Executives, the last couple days I have dealing with a severe bout of depression. I’ve talked about this before but this isn’t the “I might do something terrible” dread but an overwhelming sense of responsibility, mixed with loneliness. On top of that, I’ve been falling out with people I care for left and right, and to be honest, I am fine with “killing the cancer to save the body.”
What bothers me isn’t that “I’m alone,” but that I have BEEN alone amongst people I know and have been around.
The idea that people who know me intimately think they can insult my intelligence and then with a wink and smile think they’ve outwitted me or imposed their will bothers me.
“I had to sleep on those park benches, subway trains and finally, in those shelters. Literally, stealing to eat and fighting strangers and homeless people. Overcoming an alcohol-addiction that’s almost killed me.”
The Layer Cake(Bottom)
I have always had to “eat shit” like MOST OF US! Not because we’re feeble minded or pushovers but sometimes have no choice. We’re in a tough spot trying to get on our feet, so we’re humble, and truthfully, it takes more energy and effort to rise and meet negativity than to just “let it slide.”
From Where Am I?-to-Where I Am!
I have a track record of horrible behavior, fist fights, always drunk, etc., I’ve talked about this before you can read about that nonsense here: https://the110exec.com/2022/01/09/this-isnt-a-sob-story-its-a-redemption-song/
I’ve reached a place in my life where I feel centered, the only problems I have now are financial and even those are manageable. I say that because like stated in the first paragraph, I’ve been falling out and more specifically I’ve been cutting people off!
Don’t Tread On Me…
A lot of these people have helped me along the way in life and I appreciate that, and let me state first and foremost, if the day ever comes that they need my help, I will do so without hesitation or question. But what I won’t do, what I refuse to do, is tolerate anything that is getting in the way of my mental health.
The Record Shows…
I’ve dealt with a severe inferiority complex all my life, for whatever reason, and as a result of that I have a history of anger and violence. Literally, the week before I quit my job, I got into a fistfight with a co-worker, on the side of the truck, in the middle of Spring Street and Sixth ave, Downtown Manhattan https://the110exec.com/2022/03/12/getting-in-my-own-way-or-shedding-old-skin/
I’m working on me,… but I can say for the first time perhaps in my life I have a true sense of confidence, and it comes from what I HAVE DONE FOR MYSELF!
I Took The Blows!
I had to sleep on those park benches, subway trains and finally in those shelters. Literally, stealing to eat and fighting strangers and homeless people. Overcoming an alcohol-addiction that’s almost killed me. And finally moving into MY OWN PLACE and NOT having to rely on state benefits. I’m not saying I haven’t had help but in one way or another EVERYONE needs help.
No Man Is An Island, Right?…
I’ll put it in simple perspective, I’ve been out of the shelter a year and a half and not a single person who knows me has even OFFERED to come see me, or even asked how I’ve been. Maybe I’m upset about that truthfully prior to typing it I haven’t reflected on it…(REASON WHY I STARTED KEEPING A PERSONAL BLOG**BREAKTHROUGHS!**😂) So, if you think you get to have an opinion on how I choose to live, or get to come around antagonizing me, you got another thing coming.
EVERYBODY Getting This Work!
The thing is, I just started applying that philosophy to my “loved” ones. We never say anything because others say “that just how they are” and it makes everything ok. Well “that’s just how they are going to play themselves out of my life.” I understand, that I have crossed boundaries, betrayed confidences and quite frankly have probably stolen from every member of my immediate family and close friends, the scumbag I used to be does not entitle anyone to the dignity that I’ve worked so hard to build up today.
This post serves no real purpose other than blow off some steam while also, getting me back in the blogging “state-of-mind.” I haven’t been able to DO ANYTHING because I’ve been wanting to get all of this out and haven’t able to. My mind has just been cluttered with all this frustration. By the time this goes up and live it will be about 4PM from there I’m going to make something to eat and work on some footage from the last couple days.
Even though I haven’t been writing I have tried to document a few parts of my day. Like, how the other day I went to New Haven to get pizza. We went to Sally’s Apizza, and it really was arguably the greatest piece of pizza I ever had. I ate the entire pie right in front of the joint. Partially, because as a foodie, Sally’s Apizza is legendary location! And partially, because I’m chunky and couldn’t wait the 10 minute walk back to the new haven train station… The day before yesterday I went to Coney Island and hung out on the boardwalk and recorded that.
Can’t Stop What Coming…
I’m trying to say that I have been trying. I’m giving this life the best effort I got to give it. And I don’t seek recognition, money or praise. Having an outlet where I can express these things, a place that “belongs to me” is more than validation enough, and the analytics are showing that we are growing and that people are visiting the blog with more frequency.
Kai’s Silver Lining
Again, I know it’s my inconsistency that keeps slowing me down mid-stride, but the silver lining Executives, is that every time I need to take a “mental break” I do come back refreshed and more productive. Another and the most important thing to factor in now is that I have something of a structure to my approach, if not the actual site layout. We have our 50 topics, we have our “Why/Goal”, a niche, and also supplies. Let’s bring this to a wrap, I’m rambling. I have a proper check-in to write for tonight and a content calendar to fill.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett
¡Executives, Mañana! 🖤🗽✌🏾