The Blues

Executives, Hello! It’s been a been a little while, huh? Well,… I’ve been thinking about killing myself!… Did I make it weird? Well it’s the most honest I can be with you, which is what I promised from the start of this. I’ve written draft after draft trying to convey what is going on with me and in my head, in a way. But this is really what I’ve been trying to get across. I’m not OK. I’m just NOT OK. I say that calmly though. I may not be “lost” anymore but I have a ways to go before I’m “centered.” I’ve stated before that I’m prone to severe bouts of sadness and I spoke to my Father about this, he thinks I should maybe see someone. I think I’m going to give it to you guys, instead. 

Overshare, Beware!

From here on out, this blog will be an EXTREME OVERSHARE! I’m not going to have a good day every day. One thing I noticed about my 30 day challenge is I would say nothing much happened. I would say that a lot! Almost everyday and while sometimes that’s the case… In actuality, a lot of the time, I’m thinking about the lyrics to a song I’m trying to put together. Or I’ll have a random rhyme or sentence I like and what to know where it came from or how I can turn it into something. I want to talk about my son. How I owe over $10,000 in a rears in child support and the process of catching up. How I don’t know him and his mother doesn’t want me anywhere near him. Not because anyone else can do ANYTHING about it other than me, but because THIS IS WHERE I CAN TALK! THIS IS MY PLATFORM! ALSO, I AM documenting my life. I’ve been a charming scum bag for a long time… I’m done trying to charm ANYONE! I like to think. I’ve changed but who knows maybe I’m just bullshitting myself and all of you; these are the receipts. 

Out Of Nowhere

The thing is, I was on a really good run. I started getting the podcast off the ground and the results were above and beyond my expectations. I started to feel as though I was really doing something. I wrote a Film Essay(still need to finish technically, but over 20 pages written longhand! I was in the zone!) To skip a lot of nonsense, my roommate has been away for months but his girlfriend has been here, she breaks a key to the front door, he comes back. Initially, nothing is out of the ordinary. I’ve been recording episodes of the podcasts with his girlfriend in the house, but my roommate, who has never heard me record before, seems to be making it a point to be loud either outside my door, as he passes and increases the frequency which he passes. I just couldn’t get into a “state of flow.” I keep telling myself, “I’ll be able to tomorrow.” And that just kept going until… here we are. But that wasn’t where I got to thinking suicidal. 

My Son’s Mother’s Boyfriend reached out to me and we discussed my son and the issues I have in seeing him. We spoke, but didn’t really come up with a solution. Still, it put me in a good place mentally, the universe is moving with me, I thought. About two weeks go by we don’t speak and I start to feel like I should follow up but I don’t know how to. I literally send a message saying that. I get a reply a couple days later and it’s from his account but, instantly I know it’s my son’s mother. She’s runs down her usual, “he doesn’t know you” thing and tells me I should sign over my rights, but does it in his “words” if that makes sense. The thing is, me and him spoke, and addressed everything she was trying to convince me of, that’s how I knew it was her, she didn’t know we talked. But the thing that really came across was that she hasn’t changed her position and obviously has no intention of doing so. The whole reason, I started “The110Exec” is for him. EVERYTHING I DO is for him, even if I don’t have anything to show yet for the effort. His absence from my life, which is my fault first and foremost, but all the same, wears on me. The thought that the person I love the most may never get to know me, put me in a really bad place. Calling out of work just to lay in bed. I lash out at strangers. My room and bathroom were disgusting… I just didn’t care. 

I received another message from My Son’s Mother’s Boyfriend(that’s a long ass title, like the Duke of York, I actually think his nickname IS Duke, sorry Adult ADHD) he told me the last message wasn’t him but he won’t be able to help me. I told him I understood, and I do. You can’t ask a man to side against his Lady. He’s been a stand up guy from the beginning, going back years and I can’t speak bad on him. It was pretty much established right there though, my only real option at this point is Filing In Court. So that’s what we’re going to be doing and documenting from here on out amongst other things but, this post is more of a check-in, so again, we’ll go further into what our plans are in another post.

Coming Out Of It

Overall, the reasons for my bad thoughts aren’t exactly clear, I can only speculate. The thing I do know is, I came out of it. I’m in a good place now. I’ve cleaned my room, done laundry, and I am working out regularly. Main thing I want is to get back to having a tight schedule, but make sure I’m not burning out in the process. Work more on less, instead of spreading myself thin all over. I’d rather only have a dope Blog and a Podcast I’m proud of, then include a YouTube channel I can’t keep up with. Technically, that’s what I AM DOING, but that’s my POINT! It’s the reason why The Stooges and The Sex Pistols ARE BETTER than Pink Floyd to me, the attack is simplified and the message is straight to the point, so it comes off genuine. That is my goal from here on; a 3-Chord pop Songwriting mentality to EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE! Starting with this Blog. 

I know this is weird, but let’s be real, I write things, put them on the internet. You read things other people put on the internet. Weird is what we do!

**Also, to anyone who is dealing with Mental Health, BE STRONG, and that’s doesn’t mean “withstand.” It means do what is best for you, maybe it’s something as simple as a good “ugly cry” or a conversation with a loved one or medical professional. Whatever it is you feel you have to do, find the strength you need and do it!

Executives, I love you. I know, just take it! Don’t say anything just go… Be great! 

Mañana, Executives! 🖤🗽✌🏾